It’s a humiliating climbdown for a monster originally inspired by Vlad the Impaler, a man who’d happily eat his lunch while watching a skewered peasant slide down an immense wooden spike, being slowly and agonisingly dragged toward the ground by their own kicking, flailing body mass. Vlad would sit among entire forests of screaming human kebabs, chuckling and munching his oxburger or whatever the hell they ate back then.

Confronted with that kind of visceral horror, Robert Pattinson wouldn’t make it through his asparagus and shaved parmesan starter.

Charlie Brooker: Twilight’s sulky vampires are less frightening than a knitted cushion. Via: Guardian.