Ben Ward

Rejected Party Invitation

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Annual Ben Party is coming up. This year—at no 2am, no less—I wrote two possible invitation texts. This is the one we didn’t go with.

The enhanced grip of white gloves grasped precariously on a shattered floorboard where some stairs had been moments ago. In slow motion, a nitroglycerin explosion tore through the east wing of the Motion Picture Director Michael Bay’s home. It was the daily signal for “lunch time.”

Jeeves—which wasn’t a real name, but the Motion Picture Director Michael Bay couldn’t remember anything less trite—gingerly climbed down the remnants of the stairwell and stalked toward the kitchen. Today, the Motion Picture Director Michael Bay had a guest for lunch, a regular occurrence that required some care in preparation. Even more care than cooking with petroleum usually entails.

The guest, obviously, required regular nutrition, and a lack of poison in their food, whereas the Motion Picture Director Michael Bay demands steak fried blue in gasoline. The Motion Picture Director Michael Bay would brag to his guest that they were eating the same obscene creation. Jeeves would just serve them both regular food but for the fact the Motion Picture Director Michael Bay could taste the difference, and liked it.

The fate of his predecessor (also called Jeeves) was a consequence of testing this theory. With his dying breath, Jeeves Previous was only able to mutter “What the fuck? What the fuck is your stomach made from? Engine parts?” This was just before he was catapulted into a lake. Which subsequently exploded. As did the catapult.

One thing Jeeves had learned in his years of service was this: Never, ever, ever invite the Motion Picture Director Michael Bay to house parties. His insurers won’t cover it any more, and he always comes home upset that the women he met were regularly clothed. With this policy in mind, Jeeves moved an envelope from the table to the trash, ensuring that the Motion Picture Director Michael Bay never received his invitation to THE THIRD ANNUAL BEN PARTY, and as a result, nothing there will catch fire.

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