My two previous posts had to be separate. It’s the best way to express the bi-polar conflict that is my state of mind right now.

Usually I resolve positive/negative easily, because I err on optimism and the good of a situation cancels out the bad, leaving me some to spare. I come out contented at the least. But this is different. It’s like when I clap these hands together there’s a big flash of lightning and they repel. I can’t get resolution or balance. No matter how good my home life is, it doesn’t calm the unrest at work. It’s like trying to force the triangle block through the hexagon hole. I’m just wandering around in a state of violent ambivalence.

Gary Vaynerchuk said something during his South by Southwest session that’s run around my head a bit lately. “If you’re living for the weekend, your shit is broken”. He spoke out against that attitude of just ‘enduring’ your day job. You have to have passion in what you do. Right now, I’m acutely aware that the passion I held for my job is gone. The passion that drove me to work silly hours in aid of building something I’m proud of isn’t there. I’m not saying I should be working until the dawn for Yahoo!, just that I should feel some connection with what I do.

I don’t quite know how to replenish it right now. I’m treading water trying to see the shore, aware that I could swim in one of many directions to find land.

So I took my guitar
And I threw down some chords
And some words I could sing without shame

And I soon had a song I played it around For some friends but they all said the same

They said “Music’s for fools You should go back to school The future is prisms and math.”

So I did what they said Now my children are fed ’Cause they pay me to do what I’m asked

I forgot all my songs The words now are wrong And I burned my guitar in a rage

But the fire came to rest In your white velvet breast So somehow I just know that it’s safe.</pre>

‘Death of a Salesman’ by Low